4 Stories We Didn’t Have Time to Write Last Week
It’s Wednesday. As such, we thought it prudent to provide a snarky pick-me-up to all those in need of a boost to get them through the remainder of the week.
So, last week, there were a couple of “newsworthy” events that just got eaten up by everyone everywhere. Unlike other news sources, we don’t have to care. And, we don’t. Yet, we thought it worthwhile to update you anyway. Here is a nice stroll through five days of unimportance not worth full length posts but definitely worth a few lines of snark.
Monday, July 22nd – The Royal Baby is Born!
On Monday, after press hovered at Saint Mary’s Hospital of London for days on end, we learned that Prince William and Duchess Kate gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. It took all of 12 hours but the world awaited their debut with baited breath. Oddly enough, no one can quite articulate why anyone outside of the UK actually cares about this delivery. We all knew it was going to happen right? You know, “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a royal-blinged-out-beyond-belief-more-expensive-than-you-could-ever-afford-in-1000-lifetimes baby carriage.”
So, yeah. One resounding “woot!” for the royal family.
Tuesday, July 23rd – Anthony Weiner’s Weiner
On Tuesday, news broke that shamed ex-Congressman and current mayoral candidate in the state of New York Anthony Weiner has continued to snap pics of his private parts, sending them to ladies around the globe for “sexting” purposes. Not only that, he is now sending the pics under the pseudonym “Carlos Danger.” This after he was already ousted from Congress in 2011 for sending shots of his little friend to folks on Twitter and other social media sites. Why this is news we can’t be sure, but it has been literally everywhere.
Folks have asked where we stand on this. To that we simply said, “Can we not and just say we did?” Well, now we can. We just did and at the same time did not. This “woot” goes to us for saying anything at all.
Wednesday, July 24th – A Royal Baby is Named!
On Wednesday, the labor heard ’round the world was capped off with a debut of the newborn heir’s name. Sadly, it turned out just to be “George.” Umm, yeah. So, this is like that awkward moment when you wait all week to meet a blind date that your friend said was really adventurous and cool only to find out that he sells paper reams at the local FedEx Kinko’s in between watching reruns of biopics on the History Channel.
I mean really? George? Where is the originality? Charles, William, Harry, and George? That is the boring-est line of names ever in the history of genes. No “woot” offered on this one. It’s just that whack.
Thursday, July 25th – Paula Deen’s ‘Soul Sister’ speaks out
In Thursday’s “Who cares?” news, Paula Deen, who just recently underwent the most embarrassing display of internet shaming of ever, endured yet another tick mark on her wall of covert racism. Her “soul sister“, 59-year-old Dora Charles, came out and basically lambasted Deen for…well…stuff we already kind of knew. Her un-shocking tale told of subjugation, low pay, unequal conditions, and overall marginalization of people of color in Deen’s workplace. Adding to the already believed accounts of other workers who have complained about Deen and her franchises, Charles proved that Deen really really is bad. So there.
Why this was news to everyone else is uncertain. What is certain though is that Charles felt the need to kick that dead Paula Deen horse all the way to the top spot on the Google search. Like 100 zillion folks wrote articles on this piece of “news” last week. We gave it a solid “meh” for effort.
Friday, July 26th – Beyoncé Gets Surprise Kiss From Jay-Z Onstage
Friday’s lackluster news reel was probably the most superfluous of the week. Apparently, while Beyoncé (Queen Bey) was performing on stage in Philly, her boo, Jay Z, jumped on stage and kissed her…That was the news. In total. Jay Z kissed his wife Beyoncé.
Here is the question: do people think they don’t usually kiss? They are married right? And they have a baby? So, one would assume that they have kissed at some time in the past and do so frequently as most married people do. We really can’t explain why this was in the news at all but we can confirm that we didn’t and still do not care.
You asked what we thought about these non-troversies so now you got it. If these next few weeks are anything like last week we are going to have a long road to hoe.
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